Neurodiverse Couples Therapy: Expert Guidance for the Support You Need

In my worldwide journey working with neurodiverse couples, what really hits me square in the gut are the all-too-common, downright heartbreaking tales about their past attempts at therapy. Instead of being a lifeline, counseling often feels about as useful as a screen door on a submarine – ineffective at best, and downright harmful at worst. These horror stories understandably leave folks with a sour taste in their mouths, making them as eager to try counseling again as a cat is to take a swim.

Now, if you're nodding along and thinking that couples therapy is like trying to nail jelly to a wall for you and your partner, it's high time you chew the fat about this. Roll these comments around in your noggin and maybe, just maybe, consider giving it one more whirl.

Understanding Neurodiversity, Let's Get on the Same Wavelength

First off, let's ensure we're on the same page when we talk about neurodiversity. It's a term that sprang into the scene not too long ago, back in '97 when a grad student cooked it up in her master's thesis. She used it to describe folks who felt like they didn't fit the cookie-cutter expectations of society. She lumped in ADHD, dyslexia, and autism under this umbrella.

Her big idea was that these aren't flaws, but just variations in the grand symphony of human brain development. So, when I'm yammering about neurodiverse couples, I'm talking about a pair where one's a "neurotypical" Joe or Jane (that's about 97% of the world) and the other's a neurodivergent cat with some autism vibes, whether they got a fancy diagnosis or not. And, truth be told, I often see ADHD tagging along with autism, like they're BFFs or something.

Wrangling Neurodiverse Couples

Keep in mind, autism is all about differences in how the brain's wired compared to your average Joe. These differences make a world of difference in how they see, feel, and deal with the world. So, the magic word here is "differences." In therapy, these need to be spotted, respected, and given a big ol' bear hug in the counseling room, so both lovebirds feel like someone's finally tuning into their wavelength.

Flawed Assumptions Lead to Therapy Tango Frustration

On top of the usual rocky road that all couples stumble upon, neurodiverse lovebirds have their own unique challenges that set 'em apart from the run-of-the-mill couples therapists are trained to handle. The usual therapy drill is all about catching those feelings and deep thoughts, like a fishing net for emotions. But here's where things get dicey for an autistic partner. For one reason or another, they're more likely to clam up tight when they're in therapy land.

What's the result? Well, they end up in a confusing dance where the therapist thinks they're playing hard to get, but really, they're just doing the best they can in a world that doesn't quite speak their language. The neurotypical partner, on the other hand, might feel like they're winning a round, but in the long run, they're just scratching their heads, wondering why their partner's not picking up the ball and running with it after therapy sessions.

Ignorance Breeds Misunderstanding

Here's the kicker: most therapists out there don't get a crash course in neurodiversity during their education. So, even the crème de la crème therapists often miss the signs of autism. They charge ahead as if they're dealing with a run-of-the-mill couple who's just a bit stubborn.

Seeking Help, Finding Frustration

Now and then, therapists do catch on and suggest a neurodiversity specialist or maybe even an evaluation to check for autism. But here's the snag: an undiagnosed autistic partner might feel like a deer in the headlights, blindsided and labeled outta nowhere. The result? The couple usually exits stage left, never to return to the counseling circus because the therapist didn't lay it all out on the table or explain how it could be a game-changer.

But, you know what's even more common? Couples hightailing it outta therapy 'cause they feel like they're running in circles. The therapist's ideas might sound golden, but it's like they're whistling in the wind 'cause they don't quite cut to the core of the problem. The couple's talking in circles, and it's like they're speaking in tongues that the therapist can't quite decipher. They exit with a bellyful of frustration, sometimes pointing fingers at each other, thinking one's to blame for the whole mess. An autistic partner, bless their heart, often has a knack for feeling guilty even when it's not their fault. It's like blaming a fish for not flying; it just doesn't make sense.

Seeing Life Through Neurodiverse Lenses

In my years of cracking the nut with neurodiverse couples, I've heard some real heart-wrenchers. Take women, for example, who get slapped with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, all 'cause therapists couldn't read between the lines of their frustration. Or the neurotypical partner, who's wrestling with their own demons but gets tagged as "dependent" or "co-dependent."

They're told to stop playing the victim card when they try to explain their struggles in a language their partner can't quite grok, no matter how hard they try.

Seeing Through the Autistic Lens

Now, on the flip side, the autistic partner gets painted as distant, uncaring, or downright mean. It's a common misconception that autistic folks are empathy-challenged. Pushing 'em to spill the beans in therapy? That's like cranking up the anxiety dial, and it ain't a fun ride, lemme tell ya.

Cracking the Code of Neurodiverse Intimacy

And when it comes to getting cozy between the sheets, it's a whole 'nother can of worms. If the therapist's ideas sound about as useful as a chocolate teapot to the autistic partner, and they don't see eye to eye, well, you can forget about follow-through. Things like porn, flirting, booze, job trouble, and legal messes all get thrown into the blame game, but it's like trying to mend a broken leg with a band-aid. It just doesn't jive.

Finding a Therapy Lifesaver

Now here's the kicker, my friends. Despite all the hurdles, many couples muster the courage to give counseling another whirl. It's like a cat chasing its tail; they might not catch it every time, but they keep on trying.

So, if you've got a hunch that either you or your partner might be on the autism spectrum, and therapy feels like barking up the wrong tree, don't throw in the towel. Seek out a pro who knows their onions when it comes to neurodiverse lovebirds. Trust me, there's light at the end of this therapy tunnel, and it's not an oncoming train.